Sunday, June 10, 2012

We're back! has been a really, really long time since I've been on here!  I didn't even go back and re-read my last posts.  So much has happened the last year- I just kind of wanted to think and write about "What's going on now".  I think I remember leaving off where Jake went into surgery, and I just needed a break at the time.  I wasn't really ready to process everything, and I'm not totally sure if I even still have.  I'm not sure if a parent can truly get a grip on the fact that "my baby was born with an undiagnosed life threatening illness, rushed to another hospital, was too sick for surgery but they HAD to do it or he would die, was on life support for a while, and then did totally awesome and was out of the hospital in 23 days".  It was just such a difficult and surreal experience, and I remember every single day like it was yesterday.  To sum up the last year... it's really amazing how you can go from thinking mostly of yourself to loving another human being more than you thought was possible!

The last year has taught me a lot of things.  First, it is way easier to have a professional carreer than to be a mother.  I believe it is the most demanding job there is.  I have worked in several "professional" jobs, and the most recent years I have worked as a nurse in the ICU.  While it can be difficult and I may have a really busy day and end up working 14 hours, I get to go home at the end of the day.  Being a mommy, there is no break, and you don't get any sick days, and you can't "step out" for 15 minutes like you can at work.  You can't even go to the bathroom sometimes without a little person right there unrolling the toilet paper or trying to climb into the tub.  It is the most mentally, and at times physically, exhausting thing I have ever done!  That being said, I would not trade little Jacob for the world.  There's a saying about how "a mom would jump in front of a moving train to save her child", and it's so true.  I've never had to actually do that, but the more day-to-day "jumping in front of the train" for me involves getting him healthy meals prepared, reading books instead of sitting him in front of the TV, building blocks with him when I'd rather lay down and read a book.  Praying for him before he goes to bed.  Getting up for the 20th time that night because his teeth hurt... for the 20th night in a row.  Holding him while I cook dinner one handed because he wants to see what's going on or simply to be held.  All of the little things that seem like not a big deal ARE in fact a big deal when a mommy is quite sleep deprived, and in my case, sleep deprived, enormous, in pain, and almost 36 weeks pregnant with twins! But it's ok, because I love him more than I thought I could love another person! This little tiny person is so much work, but I LOVE my job and vocation of being a mommy!  The reward is better than any paycheck... we were playing on the floor yesterday and he leaned over and kissed my enormous belly and just went back to playing...he didn't even know how great that made me feel, even though lately he kisses everything (LoL at Publix I let him hold some of the groceries as I load them into the cart to keep him entertained, and he kissed the bag of cheese he was holding), but none the less, a sweet kiss from him was exactly what I needed at that time :)

Ok well there's a start...I have to get to bed because he gets up early and I don't sleep well these days!  Just wanted to get something down to get me started... I have been wanting to get my thoughts down for a while, so hopefull now that I've rambled just a little bit, it will help me get back into it.

One thing I read today that was so fitting : Give your mind a break from planning and trying to anticipate what will happen.  Pray continually, asking My Spirit to take charge of the details of this day.... "  -from Jesus Calling June 10th.